The Spiritual Combat
Chapter 4:
How to determine if one acts with mistrust of oneself and confidence in
God
At times, it appears to the presumptuous servant to have obtained mistrust
of self and confidence in God, but it is not so. What makes this clear is
the effect that a fall has in you.
This is a certain sign that you trusted in yourself and not God: if, when
you fall, you are disturbed, you become sad and you feel in yourself the
despairing certainty of being unable to go ahead like this and do good. If
your sadness and despair are great, you trusted greatly in yourself and little
in God. In fact, the one who by and large mistrusts herself and trusts in
God does not marvel at her fall. She does not become saddened, nor does she
waste time with regret, knowing that this has happened to her on account
of her weakness and lack of trust in God. To the contrary, she mistrusts
herself all the more, and trusts in God much more humbly. She hates above
all else the defect and disordered passions which caused her fall. In great
pain, and calm and peaceful on account of the offense to God, she returns
to the task and gives chase to her enemies with greater spirit and resolve,
to the point of their death.
How I wish these things would be considered carefully by certain people who
call themselves "spiritual"! When they incur some defect, they cannot find,
nor do they wish themselves, any peace. At times, more to free themselves
from anxiety and disturbance caused by self-love than to accomplish anything
else, they can hardly await the hour to find their spiritual father. They
ought instead to seek him out in order to be washed from the stain of their
sin, and to take strength against it with with the most holy sacrament of
the Eucharist.