Daughter: mistrust of oneself is so necessary in this
battle,
that without it, you must be certain that not only can you not attain
the
desired victory, neither can you conquer even a small passion. You
should
fix this in your mind, as we are most unfortunately inclined easily by
our
fallen nature to a a false esteem of ourselves. We are in reality
little
more than nothing; nevertheless, we convince ourselves that we are
worth
something, and without reason we vainly presume as to our own forces.
This
a very difficult defect to notice, and it is very unpleasant to God's
eyes,
who loves us and wants in us a loyal recognition of this highly certain
truth:
every grace and virtue found in us derive from him alone, the source of
every
good, and that
nothing pleasing to him can come from ourselves
alone,
not even one good thought. (2
Cor. 3.5)
And even though this important mistrust may also be the work of his
divine
hand, which sometimes he gives to his dear friends by holy inspiration,
at
other times by harsh flagellations and by violent and nearly
irresistible
temptations, and by other means unperceived by ourselves --
nevertheless,
he desires that we should do our part. So I propose four ways by which
you
can attain this mistrust, helped principally by his divine favor.
The first is that you consider and recognize your vileness and
nothingness,
and that no good by which you can merit entrance into the heavenly
kingdom
can come from you.
The second is that with fervent and humble prayer you ask it often of
the
Lord, because it is his own gift. And to obtain it, first you must look
not
only at your lack of this mistrust, but above all at how impotent you
are
to acquire it on your own. So present yourself before the divine
Majesty
many times, with a certainty of faith that he will grant you this
concession
on account of his goodness. Await it with perseverance however long his
providence
has determined necessary; there is no doubt that you will obtain it.
The third way is that you accustom yourself to fearing yourself, your
judgment,
your powerful inclination to sin, the innumerable enemies to whom you
haven't
the force to make even the smallest resistance; their experience in the
combat,
their strategies, their transformation into angels of light; their
innumerable
arts and snares, which they set and hide along the very path of virtue.
The fourth way is for when you happen to fall into some defect: go
within
yourself and consider your great weakness more vigorously. Indeed, to
this
end has God permitted your fall, so that you might be advised by his
inspiration
with a clearer light than before, and knowing yourself better, you
learn
to despise yourself as a thing unfortunately vile and as such you wish
even
to be held vile by others, and likewise despised. You must know that
without
this wish there can be no virtuous mistrust of self, which has its
foundation
in true humility and in the understanding given by experience.
This much is clear: for anyone who wishes to join oneself to the
supreme
light and to the uncreated truth, it is necessary to have the knowledge
of
oneself that divine mercy ordinarily gives to the proud and
presumptuous
by means of their falls: this he rightly allows them to come across in
some
lack from which they persuade themselves they are safe, to the point
that
coming to know themselves that way, they learn to distrust themselves
completely.
However, the Lord does not usually resort to such miserable means
unless the
kinder ones -- of which we spoke above -- have not brought the benefit
intended
by his goodness. He allows a person to fall to the degree appropriate
for
his pride and reputation. He desires to find not even the smallest
presumption,
so that we would not have the smallest fall, just as it was with the
Virgin
Mary. Thus when you fall, if you do not wish to fall anew -- and
sometimes
into more serious ruin -- carry your thoughts quickly to a humble
knowledge
of yourself and beg the Lord with insistent prayer
(Luke
11.5-13) to give you the true light to know yourself, and to give
you
total mistrust of yourself.